I'm confused. That's not exactly a news flash ("Columnist confused! Film at 11!") But would someone help me understand the following?
First, Madelyne Gorman Toogood, 25, has become infamous as the woman caught by a Kohl's security camera allegedly beating her 4-year-old daughter, Martha.
It's being reported that she lost her temper when the store wouldn't give her a cash refund. Toogood told reporters she hit her child in the head and back and pulled her hair -- but did not punch her.
Let me get this straight? There's a difference between "hitting" and "punching"?! That's not "Toogood" of a defense if you want my opinion.
Here's something else that confuses me.
As our country debates attacking Iraq, here's a March 4, 2002, report from the Bureau of Democracy, Human Rights, and Labor of the U.S. State Department:
"The Government's human rights record throughout the year remained poor and the Government continued to commit numerous and serious abuses. Authorities still were quick to suppress any person or group, whether religious, political, or social, that they perceived to be a threat to government power . . .
"Abuses included instances of extrajudicial killings, torture and mistreatment of prisoners, forced confessions, arbitrary arrest and detention, lengthy incommunicado detention, and denial of due process. According to international press reports, over 200,000 persons are serving sentences, not subject to judicial review, in reeducation-through-labor camps.
"The Government continued to implement its sometimes coercive policy to restrict the number of children a family may have. Violence against women (including imposition of a sometimes coercive birth control policy, including instances of forced abortion and forced sterilization); prostitution; discrimination against women; abuse of children; and discrimination against persons with disabilities and minorities are all problems.
"Child labor exists and continues in rural areas as adult workers leave for better employment opportunities in urban areas. Trafficking in persons is a serious problem."
And guess what, this country has an estimated 2,000 nuclear weapons! It's not Iraq but China.
Help me explain why our government awards a ruthless regime owning tons of mega-tons with "Most Favored Trading Status" and sets up an embargo against a poor, second-rate country that reportedly doesn't currently have the ability to produce one nuclear bomb?
Perhaps it's the same reason that a 25-year-old adult will allegedly "hit" a 4-year old, rather than "punch" someone her own size at the customer service desk at a department store?
Could it be that our government is only interested in championing human rights in a country that it knows it can pummel in the parking lot? Is our government afraid to pick on someone its own size. We're boycotting third-world Communist Cuba, but encouraging trade with superpower (and nuclear-powered) Communist China. Why aren't we boycotting China?!
At least there has been an outcry over Toogood beating her child. Too bad, there's not the same concern about the millions men, women, and children brutalized in China, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, and a dozen other oppressive countries.
Columnist confused! Film at 11!
(c) 2002 James N. Watkins
November 2001
'big brother'
At the risk of appearing to be a yellow-bellied, ACLU-loving, pinko-Commie, liberal sack of Anthrax, I'm feeling just a bit uneasy about the current patriotic fervor. (Please address all hate mail, letter bombs, and rotting road kill to Jim Watkins in care of this paper.)
Let me explain.
First, didn't we ratify the First Amendment way back in December of 1791?
Congress shall make no law . . . abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
The risk of contracting Anthrax or becoming the victim of a terrorist act (as terrible and terrifying as that is) is far less than winning your state's lottery. But there is a real risk that the freedoms we are attempting to preserve in our patriotic paranoia may actually be eroded by our zeal to protect them.
Aaron Sorkin, the left-wing creator of "The West Wing," is worried that "America's surge in patriotism has a dark side: It has unleashed a 'blacklist' against those who dissent!" While this columnist believes Bill "Politically Incorrect" Maher's comments about our military being "cowards" was a bone-headed blunder, Sorkin does point out that America's military is fighting to preserve our freedoms, including the right to make just such bone-headed blunders. Just try being "politically incorrect" in Afghanistan!
Obviously, there are limits to freedom of speech: maliciously libeling someone in print or media, yelling "fire" (when there's no fire) in a public building, or selling military secrets. But if America is to remain free, don't we need to allow for the "redress of grievances"? Remember our country was founded on the concept of majority rule, minority rights. And someday, you and I might be in the minority as politically incorrect.
Secondly, are we in danger of undermining the Fourth Amendment with "the war on terrorism"?
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
According to the Associated Press, Washington's new anti-terrorism law is ". . . relying heavily on sophisticated technology, from software that automatically translates foreign communications on the Internet to a device that secretly captures every keystroke a suspect makes on his computer."
Recently, top Justice Department lawyers in Washington e-mailed federal prosecutors around the country describing how they can use the government's high-tech tools in new ways. The AP quotes the email as saying, ". . . in rare cases police can now secretly search a person's house without telling the homeowner for up to three months" and install the "key-logger" device on the person's computer.
The plans go well beyond the "Carnivore" e-mail-sniffing system that allows the FBI to search for and extract specific e-mails off the Internet. Prior to the September 11 attacks, privacy advocates and civil libertarians were having a Federal fit over it.
Right now, "Big Brother" could be tapped into my computer reading this column as I type it on to the computer screen. Just for fun, let’s see what happens.
Dear Uncle Osama, Our great and glorious campaign to disrupt the Satanist American communication infrastructure is succeeding well as our operatives clog the Internet with e-mail for home mortgages, Internet casinos, herbal Viagra, urban legends, and those annoying "Tag, You're It!" forwards. Praise to Allah, Abdul Kareem Watkins.
Perhaps my fear of undermining our first and fourth amendment rights comes from visits overseas. While I was in India, the papers were filled with articles about the government openly censoring the media and movie studios being required to have scripts approved by the government. While in South Africa, which has one of the highest rates of AIDS, the government had earlier banned all books on sexuality. No wonder one of the myths in southern Africa is that AIDS can be cured by having sex with a virgin!
So, one of the risks we take living a free country is not preempting the plans of every immoral and murderous individual. Perhaps those who died in the September 11 attacks, died for freedom every bit as much as those who gave their lives in military battles throughout our history.
Freedom is risky, but I believe it's worth the cost.
(c) 2001 James N. Watkins
January 1999
The Hill is alive with 'The Sound of Monica'
Our team of investigative humor columnists has discovered that backers are being sought for a Broadway musical inspired by the impeachment proceedings against the President.
A reliable cleaning lady at an unidentified theater has provided us access to top secret lyrics for "The Sound of Monica." (A spokesperson for Rodgers and Hammerstein would neither confirm or deny their involvement in this revision of their popular musical, saying only "They're both dead.")
According to the source, the show opens with Diane Sawyer dancing a top the Hill as she sings . . .
The Hill is alive with the word impeachment,
A song it has sung only twice before,
The Hill is alive with the word impeachment,
But most of the country is already bored
Of Lewinsky and Tripp and their late night chats
and grand juries' sleazy details.
The polls show sixty percent couldn't care
If the law and real justice prevails.
Ken Starr then allegedly sings his version of "My Favorite Things."
Wire taps, subpoenas and stained dark blue dresses,
Grand juries, inquiries, stolen caresses,
News leaks that spread like the black plague with wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Our source has also produced lead sheets for "Climb Ev'ry Mountain . . . of Evidence" sung by a chorus of White House lawyers.
Mount ev'ry defense, cop ev'ry plea,
Answer ev'ry question with vague legalese.
A case that will try our ideals of justice,
A case to be won for the likes of just us.
According to our source, no one was found to sing the original song "I Must Have Done Something Good."
Also, the decision of who will sing "So Long, Farewell" in the final scene has not been made. Will it be the President? The First Lady? The lawyers? The media? The entire Congress?
Critics, who have also been leaked copies of the script, have panned the production because of its unfinished--and sure to be unsatisfying--ending. Unlike the original score, there are no clear winners (the good nuns) and losers (the bad Nazis). But perhaps, that is closer to real life than the theater. No one "wins" wars. One side simply loses less. And as the battle on the Hill escalates, there will be no winners either. The president, the Congress, the media and the voters are all losers as this long-running production continues in Washington.
So, let's all sing, "I simply remember my favorites things, and then I don't feel so bad." Or better, yet, pray for our President, the Congress, those disillusioned by the scandal, and especially for "that woman, Ms. Lewinky."
(c) 1999 James N. Watkins For more silliness on serious issues, click here.
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